Life is full of ups and downs, inside outs, and who knows what in our lives around here as of late. I have been humbled and stretched more than usual in my life. This month has definitely been one of the more stretching times in my life.
A few weeks ago I got a phone call on a Sunday morning. It was the from my church asking me and my husband if we could come meet with the Bishop. In our church everyone is a volunteer and callings are issued on a volunteer basis. Each "calling" has different responsibilities. It is one of the many things that I love about the church in which I belong. There is need and responsibility for all within our church. However, those who serve truly want to serve.
I quickly threw on clothing, as did my husband and we headed to the church building. The church building might I add is literally 100 feet away from my backyard. But we still drive. Another story for another day. There is a wall separating.
I will never forget the look on the Bishops face when I walked through his door and we sat down. My heart kind of sunk and I knew it was a calling for me that I already felt inadequate and overwhelmed by. But still not expecting I was reluctant in feeling and spirit when he asked me to serve as Relief Society President.
Basically that means I have an opportunity in my ward to work with 180 women on an intimate level and help in anyway that I can....with other women far more capable and more qualified than myself.
I felt overwhelmed with the idea of service ahead.
This is a preface to the second part of the day.
I hurried home after church and was starving, starving.
Mike and I have been going back and forth for years on whether or not we were done having more children. I have felt like life is full and joyous and complete. Mike.....wanting more! I love kids! I LOVE my kids beyond and more than anything in the world. I have four healthy wonderful children. We are finally at a point when Mike is actually home with us more. He is done with medical training, and we are done using food stamps and WIC. Life is good. Like.....really gooD!
I must admit a haunting feeling has been prevalent in my life. The kind of feeling like if I didn't have another child I might really regret. It was as though EVERY time I looked at a newborn I was almost haunted by thinking.....never again.
I got home from church and was starving. I took a bite of turkey sandwich and looked at my husband. I told him it was the best sandwich I had ever tasted. He looked at me and replied "Jenn, it is just a turkey sandwich with mustard". I then really looked at him, and he REALLY looked at me and said "shoot.....I need to take a pregnancy test".
I mean I had slightly toyed with the idea of another baby. I am not oblivious to the birds and the bees....but it was a very short time Mike and I were on the same page. Almost a moment of time....I just thought I couldn't possibly be.......
I broke the sabbath.....ran to the dollar store and bought two tests. I have bought every pregnancy test I have ever used at the dollar store and they all seem to work the same.
I came home took the test....and 20 minutes before heading out the door to another church meeting yelled to Mike. "I AM PREGNANT".
Yep....I am pregnant. Shocking....yes. Humbling....yes. Excited.....of course .....right??
One thing I know. I have felt more peace and comfort during the last few weeks not being haunted by the decision not to have another baby. I know this is the plan for our family. I am so thrilled beyond to be a mother yet again. I am still quite early, and probably should not even be documenting for any public eyes to see. But here we are in the raw from the beginning. If I miscarry......I will write about it anyways I am sure. Writing is therapeutic. Life is real for all of us and especially for me right now.
I have a good friend from my days of living in Washington DC whose husband just passed away. She was planning a baptism one day and the next lost her husband. Life is humbling, and life is fluid and constantly changing for each of us.
I am so grateful for unrequited strength that I feel that I know comes from above. This past weekend I was able to listen and watch the LDS church Relief Society Meeting. I was more attentive than usual and took notes this time around. I am in awe of the wisdom of those who spoke. It made me want to increase my faith, and helped me understand agency more than I did before the conference. I am grateful for big and little changes in my life.
I sure had a few big ones happen in a few hours time. My head has been reeling ever since, and time has been moving lighting bolt with new purpose.
So there you have folks.
The real deal. Pregnant at 40.5.